【Share】A million deaths is a statistic

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Complete one-liners listing
Do you know a good one-liner that's not listed here? Be sure to send it to me! Let me know if you want to be credited or not.

• "A single death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic." - Joseph Stalin
• "I know I'm paranoid, but am I paranoid enough?" --Tom Clancy.
• "I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers." --Peter Kaye.
• "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." - George W. Bush
• 43% of all statistics are worthless.
• 7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.
• A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
• A bachelor's life is no life for a single man.
• A bad plan is better than no plan.
• A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.
• A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
• A day for firm decisions! Or is it?
• A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.
• A drunk mans' words are a sober mans' thoughts.
• A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
• A gentleman is a patient wolf.
• A good pun is its own reword.
• A little bit of powder, a little bit of paint, makes a girl's complexion seem what it ain't.
• A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
• A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price.
• A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman already knows.
• A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
• A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
• A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.
• A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
• A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.
• A religious war is like children fighting over who has the strongest imaginary friend.
• A smart man covers his ass, a wise man leaves his pants on.
• A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students
• A weekend wasted isn't a wasted weekend.
• A witty saying proves nothing.
• According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
• Admit nothing, deny everything and make counter-accusations.
• Adult: One old enough to know better.
• After all is said and done, more is said than done.
• Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
• All generalisations are dangerous, even this one.
• All hope abandon, ye who enter here!
• All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
• All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
• All work and no play, will make you a manager.
• Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
• Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.
• An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.
• An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.
• Any clod can have the facts, but having an opinion is an art.
• Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
• Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
• Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
• Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
• Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
• Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.
• Are you wearing lipstick? Well, mind if I taste it?
• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
• Atheists can do whatever the hell they want.
• Attitude determines your altitude.
• Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay...
• Bad spellers of the world untie!
• Bald guys never have a bad hair day.
• Batteries not included.
• Be good - and if you can't be good, be careful.
• Be good; if you can't be good, have fun.
• Be naughty - save santa the trip.
• Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
• Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
• Beauty lasts for a moment, but ugly goes on and on and on.
• Beer - the reason I wake up every afternoon.
• Best viewed on my computer.
• Better late than really late.
• Biology grows on you.
• Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.
• Carpenter's rule: cut to fit; beat into place.
• Chaos, panic, pandemonium - my work here is done.
• Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.
• Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
• Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.
• Clones are people two.
• Coarse and violent nudity. Occasional language.
• Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum. I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
• Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
• Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
• Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow.
• Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?
• Cult: It just means not enough people to make a minority.
• Dawn is nature's way of telling you to go to bed.
• Depression is merely anger without the enthusiasm.
• Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
• Don't argue with a fool. The spectators can't tell the difference.
• Don't be humble, you're not that great.
• Don't be sexist. Broads hate that.
• Don't believe everything you think.
• Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened.
• Don't let yesterday take up to much of today.
• Don't steal a police car unless you're prepared to floor it all the way to Mexico.
• Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
• Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.
• Don't trust reality. After all, it's only a collective hunch.
• Drive defensively - buy a tank.
• Drugs cause amnesia and other things I can't remember.
• Dyslexics have more fnu.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
• Early to rise, and early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.
• Earn cash in your spare time. Blackmail your friends.
• Earth first! (We'll strip-mine the other planets later).
• Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun.
• Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
• Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
• Elevators smell different to midgets.
• Entropy isn't what it used to be.
• Even at a Mensa convention someone is the dumbest person in the room.
• Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
• Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95.
• Every snowflake in an avalanche pleads not guilty.
• Every solution breeds new problems.
• Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
• Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
• Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.
• Everyone is beautiful if you squint a bit.
• Everything is always okay in the end, if it's not okay, then it's not the end.
• Examine what is said, not who speaks.
• Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.
• Excuse me, is there an airport nearby large enough for a private jet to land?
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
• Experience is the name that everyone gives to their mistakes.
• F u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
• Failure is not an option - it's a lifestyle.
• Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.
• Failure teaches success.
• Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches.
• Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
• First rule of acting: whatever happens, look as if it were intended.
• For a good time, call (415) 642-9483.
• For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
• For every problem there is one solution which is simple, neat and wrong.
• For good, return good. For evil, return justice.
• Free speech carries with it some freedom to listen.
• Freedom of speech is wonderful - right up there with the freedom not to listen.
• Friendly fire - isn't.
• Friends come and go, enemies accumulate.
• Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
• Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.
• Frog blast the vent core!
• Gee, Toto, I don't think we're in kansas anymore.
• Getting screwed while everybody else is getting laid.
• Give a jackass an education and you get a smartass.
• Goals are deceptive. The unaimed arrow never misses.
• God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
• God made us brothers, but prozac made us friends.
• God will forgive me. That's his job, after all.
• Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.
• Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have.
• Hear and you forget; see and you remember; do and you understand.
• Help wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
• Hey! It compiles! Ship it!
• Hey, you want to go out for pizza and some sex? What, you don't like pizza?
• Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.
• How come wrong numbers are never busy?
• How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
• I am not single, I'm romantically challenged.
• I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
• I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
• I can't spell and beer doesn't help.
• I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
• I don't mind coming to work, but that eight hour wait to go home is a bitch!
• I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
• I doubt, therefore I might be.
• I drink to make other people interesting.
• I have a strong will but a weak won't.
• I like being single. I'm always there when I need me.
• I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.
• I prefer old age to the alternative.
• I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better.
• I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
• I thought I was wrong once, but it turns out I was mistaken.
• I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.
• I'd buy you a drink, but i'd be jealous of the straw.
• I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
• I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.
• I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!
• I'm not paranoid, they really are after me.
• If 50 million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing.
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• If I look confused it's because I'm thinking.
• If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far.
• If a man tells a woman she's beautiful she'll overlook most of his other lies.
• If all the cars on the Earth were lined up bumper to bumper, some idiot would try to pass them.
• If all the girls in Australia were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised.
• If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
• If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.
• If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
• If at first you don't succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.
• If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
• If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
• If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
• If at first you don't succeed, try a shorter bungee.
• If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
• If everything seems to be going right, you obviously don't know what the hell is going on.
• If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
• If god is inside us, then I hope he likes Fajita's, cause that's what he's getting.
• If god is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
• If homosexuality is a disease, can I call into work 'gay'?
• If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
• If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
• If life gives you lemons, stick them down your shirt and make your boobs look bigger.
• If oranges smell like chicken, why are tomatoes blue? Think about it!
• If the early bird catches the worm, what about the worm?
• If the opposite of pro is con, then what must be the opposite of progress?
• If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
• If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
• If we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.
• If you are going through hell, keep going.
• If you are going to walk on thin ice you might as well dance.
• If you are not committing any sins, you are probably not having a lot of fun.
• If you are willing to admit faults, you have one less fault to admit.
• If you can see this, you're not blind, which is a very good start.
• If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
• If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed towards you.
• If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
• If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
• If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
• If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
• If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
• If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
• If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
• If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
• If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything.
• If you're happy, you're successful.
• If you're not having fun, then you're not doing it right.
• Illegal drugs are the chlorine in the gene pool.
• In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
• In a world without walls and fences who needs Windows and Gates?
• In the dark I hold your hand, because in the light you look like a man.
• It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
• It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
• It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
• It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all.
• It's better to keep your mouth shut and have people think you are a fool than to open it and remove any lingering doubt.
• It's like deja vu all over again.
• It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
• It's people that give drinking a bad name.
• It's the squeaky wheel that gets the grease.
• Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers.
• Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
• Lead me not into temptation. I can find the way myself.
• Learn from my parent's mistake. Don't have kids!
• Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
• Learning from your mistakes is smart, learning from the mistakes of others is wise.
• Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
• Life exists for no known purpose.
• Life is an open door. It can be closed at any time, so don't complain about the draught.
• Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans.
• Life's a bitch, and then you're reincarnated.
• Life's a bleach and then you dye.
• Linux: because rebooting is for adding new hardware.
• Logic is in the eye of the logician.
• Love is atemporary insanity curable by marriage.
• Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
• Lunix... Because i'm better than you.
• Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
• Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
• Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
• Marriage. An expensive way of getting your laundry done for free.
• Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.
• Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.
• Maybe this world is another planet's hell.
• Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. 'No' is the answer.
• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
• Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
• Money should be utilized as a tool. You just gotta know which nuts to screw.
• Most people don't act stupid - it's the real thing.
• Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before.
• Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level and then beat you with experience.
• Never buy a car you can't push.
• Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
• Never eat yellow snow.
• Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
• Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
• Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
• Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
• Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
• Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
• Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon.
• Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
• Never, ever make absolute, unconditional statements.
• No good deed goes unpunished.
• No-one suspects the butterfly!
• Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
• Not all men are fools... Some are bachelors.
• Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
• Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
• Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.
• Old age is nothing to worry about, except if you're a cheese.
• Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
• Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.
• One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
• Only dead fish go with the flow.
• Only the winners decide what were war crimes.
• People in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people.
• Pretend to spank me - I'm a pseudo-masochist!
• Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
• Quando omni flunkus moritati - when all else fails, play dead.
• Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
• Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.
• Reality is for people who can't handle drugs.
• Rehab is for quitters.
• Religion cannot be without morality, but morality may arrive without religion.
• Roses are #FF0000, violets are #0000FF, all of my base are belong to you.
• Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
• Save water - take a bath with your neighbor's daughter.
• Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
• Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
• Sex on tv can't hurt unless you fall off.
• Sleep: a completely inadequate substitute for caffeine.
• Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
• Smith & wesson: the original point and click interface.
• Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
• Software isn't released, it's allowed to escape.
• Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
• Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
• Some people wish to get what they deserve, while others fear the same.
• Sometimes a majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
• Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.
• Spelling is a lossed art.
• Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
• Support your local Search and Rescue unit. Get lost.
• Sure, when... - oink flap oink flap - well I'll be darned!
• Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
• Take it easy, and if you get it easy take it twice.
• Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
• Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else.
• The Killer Ducks are coming!
• The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.
• The beatings will continue until morale improves.
• The best things in life aren't things.
• The chance of a piece of bread falling the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
• The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
• The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.
• The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.
• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• The future will be better tomorrow.
• The man who is swimming against the stream knows the strength of it.
• The man who strikes first admits that his ideas have given out.
• The only certain thing in life is death.
• The only job you start at the top is digging a hole.
• The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it.
• The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
• The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
• The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused.
• The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.
• The revolution will not be televised.
• The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
• The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
• The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
• The trouble with ignorance is that it picks up confidence as it goes along.
• The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.
• The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
• The web isn't better than sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble.
• There are 10 types of people, those who understand binary and those who don't.
• There are no short cuts to any place worth going.
• There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
• There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
• There is no time like the pleasant.
• There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
• There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
• They call it "pms" because "mad cow disease" was already taken.
• They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
• Think much, Speak little, Write less.
• This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't.
• This website may not be idiot proof, but at least it's dimwit resistant.
• This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget.
• Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
• To err is human, to forgive highly unlikely.
• To generalize is to be an idiot.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
• Today is the first day of the rest of this mess.
• Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
• Today's children would be less spoiled if we could spank grandparents!
• Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
• Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
• Too much of a good thing is wonderful.
• Too much of everything is just enough.
• Tracers work both ways.
• Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
• Unix is user friendly - it's just picky about it's friends.
• Veni, Vidi, Velcro - I came, I saw, I stuck around.
• Veni, vedi, visa. I came. I saw. I did a little shopping.
• Viewer discretion may be advised, but it's never really expected.
• War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
• Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
• Wasting time is an important part of living.
• We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.
• We found Jesus - he was behind the sofa all along.
• We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
• Welcome what you can't avoid.
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
• What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expect generally happens.
• When I am sad, I sing, and then the world is sad with me.
• When I was young I was told that anyone could be president. Now I'm beginning to believe it.
• When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
• When all else fails, admit i'm right and kiss my ass.
• When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
• When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
• When in doubt empty the magazine.
• When in doubt, do what the President does. Guess.
• When in doubt, poke it with a stick.
• When it's dark enough you can see the stars.
• When someone points skyward, it's the fool that looks at the finger.
• When the pin is pulled, Mr. grenade is not our friend.
• When vultures fly, are they allowed carrion luggage?
• When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
• When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
• When you have nothing to say, say nothing.
• Which is worse: Ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?
• While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several.
• Who are these kids and why are they calling me mom?
• Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free.
• Why do they use sterile needles for lethal injections?
• Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
• Wise people think all they say; fools say all they think.
• With a rubber duck, you're never alone.
• With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
• Work harder: millions on welfare depend on you.
• Work is the curse of the drinking class.
• Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength.
• Worry is a misuse of the imagination.
• Worry is like a rocking chair; it keeps you busy, but gets you nowhere.
• You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
• You can observe a lot just by watching.
• You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
• You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
• You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
• You don't have to explain something you never said.
• You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
• You're driving a car. It isn't a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a restaurant.
• You're just jealous because the little voices only talk to me.
• You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
• You're only young once, but you can be immature forever.
• Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.

Do you know a good one-liner that's not listed here? Be sure to send it to me! Let me know if you want to be credited or not.
Thanks to: Taryn East, Chris, Steve H, Andy, Alexis Valin, Sam Longoria, Andrew Carr, Bronwyn Deckert, Jerry, Cal Skeptic, Amy Arbour, Marv Gratton, JL, William Burke.